I feel like I start so many entries on this blog with the same "it's been a while since I've posted anything," so to keep it consistent, yeah it's been a while. I have been thinking about a lot of things for quite some time now, some I have verbalized and others I have not but it has gotten to the point where I need to just get the information out of my head and a journal doesn't seem to be the correct venue, so here goes nothing.
I want to preface this entire post with the understanding that this is really just for me and I'm not looking for answers, suggestions, sympathy, empathy, reassurance, a slap in the face, nothing. I just can't put up the front that things are ok any longer because it has became a real facade, one that has become to heavy to keep up anymore.
I, at almost 32 years of age, have no reached a point where I don't know anything anymore. What I mean by this is that everything, and yes I mean everything, in my life that is on any level of importance I am seriously second guessing. My ability, my effectiveness, my purpose, my goal in attempting/pursuing anything anymore is being challenged, on a daily even hourly basis. Now I understand that many of these feelings stem from the complete unrealistic expectations I set for my self in being all things to all people. Yet at some point I thought I could actually be that. More specifics would probably clarify this rambling just a bit.
Parenting: I had always pictured that I would be that mom who could balance, work, family, self, marriage, housework, bills, groceries, diapers, bad dreams, dancing, laundry, exercise, love, health, frustration, and well life effectively and still maintain an ounce of sanity. Honestly I have a mother and a grandmother who in my eyes were just that, wonderwomen, who could do anything, be anything to their fullest extent. I wanted so badly to be just like them and be able to take on life with a husband and children, and a house and a more than full time job with the greatest of ease and still have time more me. What I am finding is that there was more going on in their lives than I knew, what life was really like when you try to take on all of those things in the world. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that their lives were all a sham or were smoke and mirrors because I can only imagine the things that they didn't show the world, much similar to what I have been secluding away for some time. I dreamed of being that mom that gave her kids the best food, taught them all them needed to know before the age of five and then some, keep up with their mountain of laundry, play with them, laugh with them, be with them. What I'm finding is that my kids actually spend more time with daycare providers and babysitters because I'm teaching or cleaning or engaging in some other activity "for them." I hope one day that they will know what it is that I do for them and that I do the things I do because I love them and want what is best for them. At times that means yes to keep my sanity, we will watch Tangled for the 5th time that day, and yes you can have nothing but string cheese, goldfish, and grapes for two weeks straight. Even though I tell Pay and Bug "just a sec" more often than I should, I really want them to know that I love them more than anything in the world. Maybe one day I will actually send them the link to this page.
Marriage: Very few people know this but I want to tell everyone that I feel like I have really failed at this. I have a wonderful husband who treats me like a queen and would do anything for me, without hesitation or question. Over the last three years Kris and I have had a rough go, to the point of leaving, not speaking, crying, talking, not talking, and then some. I know that relationships take work. Ironically I taught about relationships tonight in class and every time I lecture about interpersonal communication, I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach and a voice in my head that says "damn Erin, you are such a hypocrit! You tell students to do all of these things in their relationsihps and to think about all of this stuff but you can't even take two seconds to listen to how your husbands day at work was or think about his feelings." I really feel like the old saying "those who can do, those who can't teach" is appropriate as I love teaching interpersonal but for the life of me I just can't figure out my own interpersonal relationships. All I want to say is that I know I have really sucked at being a wife Kris, and I'm truly sorry for that. I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able to show him what he means and I really hope that I haven't taken advantage of the great relationship that I currently have.
Work: I'm teaching 9 classes this term, 8 face-to-face and one online which equates out to 27 college credits. Yes I know this is crazy, yes I know that this is a lot of work. Yes I could have said no to any number of these at any time. I have managed somehow to get through 8 weeks of this and I will get through three more and finish out this term. However, I have tried something new where I have my students submit all work online, you know I'm in Oregon and everyone is "green" so when in Rome, do as. I can't being to tell you how many technical issues I have had this term and I feel like I will never be caught up with all of my grading. I also feel that with everything that I am doing that I am not able to put as much into each class and I normally do, which I really hope doesn't translate out into my students not getting as much as they should. Every time I get an email from a student about a grade or something related I think "oh shit, what did I NOT do this time?" I know I suck at math, in fact I am putting this in my syllabi so that they know this from day one. But beyond calculations I have lost more assignments, misplaced tests, filed things incorrectly this term than I ever have before. I've had office mates comment "that's not like you" and I'm like "I know." The fact that it's happening scares the hell out of me. I know that I'm probably spread thinner that I should be, I also know that I'm not going to do this forever (27 credits/term) and I also know that people wouldn't ask me to do this if they didn't think I could do it but I still question me as a teacher each and every day.
Erin: Let's just say running has ceased. I'm signed up to run a 10K Thanksgiving morning and my goal is to run the whole thing but I haven't run in about three weeks. I guess my cousin who was in Stockholm with some friends when he was in the Navy and accidentally ended up running the Stockholm marathon the morning after a night of heavy drinking or a friend of my who signed up for a half marathon without training could be inspiration as to being able to run after no planning it. I love running and the fact that I can turn my brain off while I do it which may be why I'm needing to write all of this down. I've gained back 20 of the 30 pounds I've lost over the last 8 months. I'm attempting to stick to an eating plan, really making lifestyle changes and really eat better but I will be honest that when I'm stressed I want three things: chocolate, grease and a nap. I will admit that I actually ate at Burger King 3 times in a 24 hour period, FTW! I felt so great this past spring after I had lost some weight, was running a lot and eating really well. I know I can, or should I say I will get back to that at some day.
I'm tired. I'm angry or sad a lot of the time. I love my kids and my husband but know that I treat them like shit some times because of all the other "stuff" that is going on. The deserve so much better than this. The front that has been up for so long, is now officially down. Well it will be once I actually post this. I am working on my "life" as it were. I know that there are a lot of people out there who have it a lot worse than I do. Which is why I prefaced this with not really looking for anything from people by posting this. Really just wanting to get the information out there that even those people who "seem" to have it all together, those who "seem" to be able to handle it, have their weak moments. Right now, I feel like the weakest link.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Bitter Sweet
So yes, I know, I haven't posted in quite some time, potentially months, maybe even longer. No excuses, just haven't, though I have had a lot going on and have been thinking about even more with all of the changes that have occurred in the past year.
The first time that you experience anything it has the potential to be exhilarating and educational as well as intimidating and life changing. Some of the best "firsts" that I have had in my life have happened in the past three years with the births of both of our daughters, Paytan (3 in August) and Elliet (1 just recently in June). Watching the first rolling over, the first belly laugh, the first crawl, the first walk, the first words, all of those things have brought an immense amount of joy to my life and make every thing around me at the time, even if it seems terrible, it makes those other things seem to fade into the background while witnessing these precious moments.
Having some time to reflect on the "firsts" most recently as Elliet has just turned 1, forced me to reevaluate things in my life, to really take a step back and assess where we have come from in the past year and where we are heading. One of the biggest questions that I have been asked a lot recently is "are you going to have anymore kids?" Now, for those of you who have asked, don't feel bad because believe me, this is a question that I ask myself each and every single day. I have been tempted to tweet an informal pole to all of my socially networked friends asking how they made the decision to go from man-to-ma defense to a zone defense.
I have no answer to that question and that is usually my response, "I don't know."
Currently my family and I are struggling a bit with, let's just call it "life" as most people do from time to time. The summer is here and I'm really wanting to spend time with my family, taking advantage on online teaching and the time off for "summer break" yet knowing that my husband will not have a job come September, so the rational/logical/panic stricken side of my brain is in GO mode trying to teach as much as I can and scrimp and save our pennies for that proverbial rainy day.
With this notion of not knowing what will happen in the future, again referring to the rational/logical side of my brain, I personally don't feel it would not be the responsible or fair thing to bring another child into this world and not be able to care for it financially. I know that there can be more than two years between children and that we have help from friends and family yet I just don't think that is fair to the children you have, the child you bring into the world and your relationship with your spouse to bring a child into the world that you are not able to support in one way or another. Whether people agree with me or not, everyone is entitled to their opinion. I'm not here to preach, tell people what to do, or have anyone feel sorry for my. I guess this is simply a vent and cathartic episode.
Turning back to the conversation I begin with focusing on "firsts" and tying it to the notion of not having another child it has recently hit me that this very well may be the last time that I have a "baby" to snuggle, swaddle, cuddle, fuss over and nurse. Miss Elliet has taken it upon herself, that at the right old age of one year, she has pretty much turned up her nose at the lunch wagon that is ol' mom and decided that finger foods are the way to go. With that said and probably needless to say, my supply has dropped, significantly. Which in turn has caused stress which creates a vicious cycle of an even lower supply and so on and so forth.
I guess what this all amounts to is that when I was nearing the end of nursing Paytan I knew in the back of my mind that we would have another baby and I would get that most wonderful and special time to spend with my next child that comes with the decision to breastfeed. However, with Elliet, I'm not so sure and this uncertainty of more than likely not having anymore children is something that I am really struggling with in my life. Paytan is at the age where she is extremely active and wants to play games and engage in activities, which is great and seems to create a really great bond between Kris and Paytan, not to mention Paytan and myself. Yet I am so ever desperately clinging on to the connection that I have with Elliet because while I am more than over the moon with all of her firsts, as any parent would be, I am heartbroken that this could be and more than likely is my last.
The first time that you experience anything it has the potential to be exhilarating and educational as well as intimidating and life changing. Some of the best "firsts" that I have had in my life have happened in the past three years with the births of both of our daughters, Paytan (3 in August) and Elliet (1 just recently in June). Watching the first rolling over, the first belly laugh, the first crawl, the first walk, the first words, all of those things have brought an immense amount of joy to my life and make every thing around me at the time, even if it seems terrible, it makes those other things seem to fade into the background while witnessing these precious moments.
Having some time to reflect on the "firsts" most recently as Elliet has just turned 1, forced me to reevaluate things in my life, to really take a step back and assess where we have come from in the past year and where we are heading. One of the biggest questions that I have been asked a lot recently is "are you going to have anymore kids?" Now, for those of you who have asked, don't feel bad because believe me, this is a question that I ask myself each and every single day. I have been tempted to tweet an informal pole to all of my socially networked friends asking how they made the decision to go from man-to-ma defense to a zone defense.
I have no answer to that question and that is usually my response, "I don't know."
Currently my family and I are struggling a bit with, let's just call it "life" as most people do from time to time. The summer is here and I'm really wanting to spend time with my family, taking advantage on online teaching and the time off for "summer break" yet knowing that my husband will not have a job come September, so the rational/logical/panic stricken side of my brain is in GO mode trying to teach as much as I can and scrimp and save our pennies for that proverbial rainy day.
With this notion of not knowing what will happen in the future, again referring to the rational/logical side of my brain, I personally don't feel it would not be the responsible or fair thing to bring another child into this world and not be able to care for it financially. I know that there can be more than two years between children and that we have help from friends and family yet I just don't think that is fair to the children you have, the child you bring into the world and your relationship with your spouse to bring a child into the world that you are not able to support in one way or another. Whether people agree with me or not, everyone is entitled to their opinion. I'm not here to preach, tell people what to do, or have anyone feel sorry for my. I guess this is simply a vent and cathartic episode.
Turning back to the conversation I begin with focusing on "firsts" and tying it to the notion of not having another child it has recently hit me that this very well may be the last time that I have a "baby" to snuggle, swaddle, cuddle, fuss over and nurse. Miss Elliet has taken it upon herself, that at the right old age of one year, she has pretty much turned up her nose at the lunch wagon that is ol' mom and decided that finger foods are the way to go. With that said and probably needless to say, my supply has dropped, significantly. Which in turn has caused stress which creates a vicious cycle of an even lower supply and so on and so forth.
I guess what this all amounts to is that when I was nearing the end of nursing Paytan I knew in the back of my mind that we would have another baby and I would get that most wonderful and special time to spend with my next child that comes with the decision to breastfeed. However, with Elliet, I'm not so sure and this uncertainty of more than likely not having anymore children is something that I am really struggling with in my life. Paytan is at the age where she is extremely active and wants to play games and engage in activities, which is great and seems to create a really great bond between Kris and Paytan, not to mention Paytan and myself. Yet I am so ever desperately clinging on to the connection that I have with Elliet because while I am more than over the moon with all of her firsts, as any parent would be, I am heartbroken that this could be and more than likely is my last.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Learning Curve
When I finally finished my graduate course work and successfully defended my thesis, I arrived at the conclusion that I NEVER wanted to teach college EVER AGAIN! With that in mind, I applied for administrative jobs at local businesses and colleges so that I could adjust to life as an adult in the M-F, 8-5 world. I was lucky enough to earn a position with a local community college, though I would be commuting 45 minutes each way every day, M-F, 8-5. I was happy in the job and the responsibilities I had mostly because at the end of the night I was able to leave the job at work and go home to my husband and dog.
After about six months in that position, I felt this lack of something. I felt like I needed to be "doing more" but I had no clue as to what that "more" constituted. I had completed all work related tasks and then some beyond the expectations yet I still felt like I was falling short in, I guess my purpose, in life. Now that's not to say that I felt like my purpose in life was to sit behind a desk, answer phones and file, not to demean anyone who does this for a living because we wouldn't be able to function without those people in the world, but rather I felt like I could be doing something in addition to the desk job.
So I started a business venture of my own and sold "adult relationship enhancement" products. I would carry around a suitcase of product and travel to homes where I would persuade people to buy the schtuff I was peddling. I made money but I didn't really recoup my costs and then corporate changed their policies so that I had to build a "downline" which in other words made it seem more like a pyramid scheme and I quickly ended that business.
Then I had a thought, well I was working at a community college, I was qualified to teach courses at that level, why not apply for a job and see where it went. Long story short I started with one course and over the past three and a half years took on more and more courses and applied at more and more places to teach realizing that I could simply go back to the academic schedule that I had become so accustomed to when I was a student. Three and a half years, many, MANY miles on the car and a desire to be settled later, has lead me back to my current employment situation which is teaching the equivalent of 6-8 courses per term and I couldn't picture my self doing anything else for the rest of my working life. :)
As I have successfully made it through the first week of the term, I settle in for another exciting term of arguments, speeches, papers, and excuses and that's just from me not to mention all of the above from my students. My own personal goal each term is to learn something. Well more specifically, I want to learn a few somethings:
With that said, Paytan, my two year old, has learned a few new things. I forget that she is a that tender age when she wants to explore the world around her and soaks everything up like a sponge. I mean everything! Over Christmas we spent the holidays in Sun River, Oregon. Heading over the pass we were required to put chains on our Escape. In digging them out of the back end, a bunch of presents fell out of the car into the snow and I proceeded to shout SHIT! I look up and hear a tiny "shit" from the back seat and then see my loving husband snickering to himself in the reflection the rear view mirror. A similar incident occured while in Sun River when my dad spilled a glass of wine on the carpet and proceeded to yell SHIT and yet again Paytan chimed in with her own little "shit."
Don't worry, I know some if not most of you are thinking that I am solely teaching my daughter to speak like a pirate but that's not all I am teaching her. The past weekend in fact she learned how to play Go Fish, which took some time and patience from both of us and well as learning how to play Hop Scotch. I felt that her natural ability to jump all over the house like a frog should be harnessed into something that was a bit more organized so we put here letter/shape mat together and ran it down the hall way for hours of hopping fun!
Here is a little video of the adventure:
After about six months in that position, I felt this lack of something. I felt like I needed to be "doing more" but I had no clue as to what that "more" constituted. I had completed all work related tasks and then some beyond the expectations yet I still felt like I was falling short in, I guess my purpose, in life. Now that's not to say that I felt like my purpose in life was to sit behind a desk, answer phones and file, not to demean anyone who does this for a living because we wouldn't be able to function without those people in the world, but rather I felt like I could be doing something in addition to the desk job.
So I started a business venture of my own and sold "adult relationship enhancement" products. I would carry around a suitcase of product and travel to homes where I would persuade people to buy the schtuff I was peddling. I made money but I didn't really recoup my costs and then corporate changed their policies so that I had to build a "downline" which in other words made it seem more like a pyramid scheme and I quickly ended that business.
Then I had a thought, well I was working at a community college, I was qualified to teach courses at that level, why not apply for a job and see where it went. Long story short I started with one course and over the past three and a half years took on more and more courses and applied at more and more places to teach realizing that I could simply go back to the academic schedule that I had become so accustomed to when I was a student. Three and a half years, many, MANY miles on the car and a desire to be settled later, has lead me back to my current employment situation which is teaching the equivalent of 6-8 courses per term and I couldn't picture my self doing anything else for the rest of my working life. :)
As I have successfully made it through the first week of the term, I settle in for another exciting term of arguments, speeches, papers, and excuses and that's just from me not to mention all of the above from my students. My own personal goal each term is to learn something. Well more specifically, I want to learn a few somethings:
- Learn something about my students, more than just their names, which I try to learn all by the end of week three.
- Learn something about me as a person. It doesn't matter what but I want to discover something.
- Learn something about my abilities in the classroom as a teacher. Usually this doesn't come until later in the term, once I get the evaluations back from the previous term, so I kind of play catch up with that one.
With that said, Paytan, my two year old, has learned a few new things. I forget that she is a that tender age when she wants to explore the world around her and soaks everything up like a sponge. I mean everything! Over Christmas we spent the holidays in Sun River, Oregon. Heading over the pass we were required to put chains on our Escape. In digging them out of the back end, a bunch of presents fell out of the car into the snow and I proceeded to shout SHIT! I look up and hear a tiny "shit" from the back seat and then see my loving husband snickering to himself in the reflection the rear view mirror. A similar incident occured while in Sun River when my dad spilled a glass of wine on the carpet and proceeded to yell SHIT and yet again Paytan chimed in with her own little "shit."
Don't worry, I know some if not most of you are thinking that I am solely teaching my daughter to speak like a pirate but that's not all I am teaching her. The past weekend in fact she learned how to play Go Fish, which took some time and patience from both of us and well as learning how to play Hop Scotch. I felt that her natural ability to jump all over the house like a frog should be harnessed into something that was a bit more organized so we put here letter/shape mat together and ran it down the hall way for hours of hopping fun!
Here is a little video of the adventure:
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Sisters, Sisters.
First, HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Second, you have to imagine the title of this post sung by Rosemary Clooney and Vera Ellen in "White Christmas," very pertinent if you know the ringtone I have on my phone for my own sister.
Now, down to business. I will be the first to admit that it has been a LONG time since I have blogged anything. Most of my online posts are via Facebook and twitter and most of them are pics of the girls or funny things, well things I find amusing even if no one else does. But it is now 2013 and I have told myself that this year will be different. I have a number of new year's resolutions, one of which is to blog more. I even found a way to track events in my life and keep them organized in the hopes of compiling a weekly list of things to blog about (thank you Pinterest, my latest addiction).
Now I know setting a goal to blog at least once a week might be pretty lofty but I am going to try and this post is the first step in that attempt. The "other" little voice in my head is saying "yeah right, we'll see," as I'm typing this. Life may happen and I may end up blogging once a month or once every couple of months but my ultimate goal is to blog throughout the year.
Many of you know that we have a new addition to our family this year, Elliet Harper Cook, was born on June 13th at 2:16pm in Newport, Oregon. Now I could detail her birth in a time line manner as I did when Paytan was born but that was 6 months ago and so many fun and wonderful things have happened since then that I thought I would focus on more recent events.
One of the best things that I have recently experienced is being able to watch both girls, Paytan (2 years) and Elliet (6 months), not only interact but also play with one another. It has been a joy to watch Paytan show Elliet toys and books and games and everything else fantastical in her world. Additionally, it has been great to see Elliet grow and progress in her first year with another "tiny human" around, something that I wasn't privy to when Paytan was this age. I am over the moon at knowing that I will get to watch this relationship develop over the years come.
Those of you who know me know that I also, like Pay and Bug, have a sister of my own. Katelyn and I are almost exactly the same age apart as Pay and Bug. Like any set of sisters, Kate and I have had our ups and downs in our relationship as we have grown up. Stories and pics of us demonstrate as the best of friends when we were younger. Then middle/high school came for us and groups of friends, sports and interests overlapped and our relationship took a "bumpy, rough" turn. You can infer what the "" mean in the last sentence, but those closest to our family know the details. Just when I thought I couldn't stand to be around Katelyn, I went to college and got some space and freedom. It was nice to have a new set of friends, hobbies and interests without having to worry about having a shadow close by. In finding this new way of life I was happy at first but then things started to feel empty. I was excited to go home for weekends, breaks and the summer knowing that I would have someone to hang out with. Once Katelyn went to college, things just got better and better between us. Our relationship grew as we both did. She eventually made it down to Corvallis with me and I was so lucky to have her there for me at a time when my world was at it's darkest. Recently Kate and I have gotten even closer with the birth of my two girls and with her marrying a super great guy. I can't wait for her to start their family and have our kids grow up together.
In seeing the relationship grow between Paytan and Elliet, I can help but think back and reflect on my own sisterly relationship. I know that for Pay and Bug it won't always be smooth and steady and quite possibly will be "bumpy, rough" like my own relationship with my own sister. However, I just hope that they are able to see that not only do they have a sister in their life that they are extremely luck to have, but that they also have someone who will end up being one of the best friends they could ever have.
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Second, you have to imagine the title of this post sung by Rosemary Clooney and Vera Ellen in "White Christmas," very pertinent if you know the ringtone I have on my phone for my own sister.
Now, down to business. I will be the first to admit that it has been a LONG time since I have blogged anything. Most of my online posts are via Facebook and twitter and most of them are pics of the girls or funny things, well things I find amusing even if no one else does. But it is now 2013 and I have told myself that this year will be different. I have a number of new year's resolutions, one of which is to blog more. I even found a way to track events in my life and keep them organized in the hopes of compiling a weekly list of things to blog about (thank you Pinterest, my latest addiction).
Now I know setting a goal to blog at least once a week might be pretty lofty but I am going to try and this post is the first step in that attempt. The "other" little voice in my head is saying "yeah right, we'll see," as I'm typing this. Life may happen and I may end up blogging once a month or once every couple of months but my ultimate goal is to blog throughout the year.
Many of you know that we have a new addition to our family this year, Elliet Harper Cook, was born on June 13th at 2:16pm in Newport, Oregon. Now I could detail her birth in a time line manner as I did when Paytan was born but that was 6 months ago and so many fun and wonderful things have happened since then that I thought I would focus on more recent events.
One of the best things that I have recently experienced is being able to watch both girls, Paytan (2 years) and Elliet (6 months), not only interact but also play with one another. It has been a joy to watch Paytan show Elliet toys and books and games and everything else fantastical in her world. Additionally, it has been great to see Elliet grow and progress in her first year with another "tiny human" around, something that I wasn't privy to when Paytan was this age. I am over the moon at knowing that I will get to watch this relationship develop over the years come.
Those of you who know me know that I also, like Pay and Bug, have a sister of my own. Katelyn and I are almost exactly the same age apart as Pay and Bug. Like any set of sisters, Kate and I have had our ups and downs in our relationship as we have grown up. Stories and pics of us demonstrate as the best of friends when we were younger. Then middle/high school came for us and groups of friends, sports and interests overlapped and our relationship took a "bumpy, rough" turn. You can infer what the "" mean in the last sentence, but those closest to our family know the details. Just when I thought I couldn't stand to be around Katelyn, I went to college and got some space and freedom. It was nice to have a new set of friends, hobbies and interests without having to worry about having a shadow close by. In finding this new way of life I was happy at first but then things started to feel empty. I was excited to go home for weekends, breaks and the summer knowing that I would have someone to hang out with. Once Katelyn went to college, things just got better and better between us. Our relationship grew as we both did. She eventually made it down to Corvallis with me and I was so lucky to have her there for me at a time when my world was at it's darkest. Recently Kate and I have gotten even closer with the birth of my two girls and with her marrying a super great guy. I can't wait for her to start their family and have our kids grow up together.
In seeing the relationship grow between Paytan and Elliet, I can help but think back and reflect on my own sisterly relationship. I know that for Pay and Bug it won't always be smooth and steady and quite possibly will be "bumpy, rough" like my own relationship with my own sister. However, I just hope that they are able to see that not only do they have a sister in their life that they are extremely luck to have, but that they also have someone who will end up being one of the best friends they could ever have.
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Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Time Flies!
So I haven't been the best at blogging about Paytan's first year. There have been so many firsts that we have tried to document and hopefully they will make their way to this blog at some point in the future. One thing I felt that was important to blog about was the day that we celebrated her grand entrance into this world. With a brand new pink onesie and a very colorful and sparkly tutu, Miss Paytan enjoyed her day with presents, cake, swimming, friends and family.
I knew that I wanted some great pictures/video of her devouring a cake but it turns out that Paytan is meticulous when it comes to stuff on her hands and ended up having to use a spoon with her cake, which she played with more than actually eating it. So instead of describing that day in detail, I thought it would be a bit more fun to see some snippets of video shot from her party.
I can't believe that our little girl is a year old. We as a family have grown and learned so much over the past year. We are so blessed to have her and we can't wait to see what lies ahead this next year and those to come. We can't wait for the next little miss adventure.
P.S. Paytan's tutu was actually made from six separate tutus that were purchased at the Dollar Tree and we simply put one on top of the other and cut up the side on each of the tutus. Oh, and all of the cake and frosting came out of all the clothing, including my dress and Paytan's Chucks.
I knew that I wanted some great pictures/video of her devouring a cake but it turns out that Paytan is meticulous when it comes to stuff on her hands and ended up having to use a spoon with her cake, which she played with more than actually eating it. So instead of describing that day in detail, I thought it would be a bit more fun to see some snippets of video shot from her party.
I can't believe that our little girl is a year old. We as a family have grown and learned so much over the past year. We are so blessed to have her and we can't wait to see what lies ahead this next year and those to come. We can't wait for the next little miss adventure.
P.S. Paytan's tutu was actually made from six separate tutus that were purchased at the Dollar Tree and we simply put one on top of the other and cut up the side on each of the tutus. Oh, and all of the cake and frosting came out of all the clothing, including my dress and Paytan's Chucks.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Half & Half
So it has been a while since posting a blog entry but Paytan is down for a nap so I thought I would take this opportunity to make a quick entry about her first doctors appointment. I know that the first appointment isn't that exciting but there were a few things for us that made it quite interesting.
First I need to give you some background info on our pediatrician. He is a nice man, with a bit of a southern drawl who has been in his field for 30+ years. Dr. Burns has a very dry sense of humor, which some people would not find very fitting for a pediatrician but for us he is great. Now when my family first met Dr. Burns it was the night Paytan was born and he came out to give them an update:
Dr. Burns: "Well baby's fine but we had to kick start her to get her going on her own."
Family: "How is she doing now?"
Dr. Burns: "She's doing just fine. She was sunny side up so she has a nice big bruise on her head and her nose is smooshed to one side."
Katelyn: "Will it straighten out eventually?"
Dr. Burns: "She's okay. It isn't any worse than yours."
If you know Katelyn, you can imagine her reaction to this statement, especially since it was about 2AM. So hopefully that gives you an idea about our pediatrician and his character.
Now on to the first appointment. Kris and I were excited to see how much weight Paytan has gained. It has actually turned into a little competition in the family every time Paytan has a doctors appointment. Everyone guesses how much she weighs, Price Is Right rules, closest without going over. So when Paytan was born she was 5 pounds 6 ounces. She lost a bit in the hospital and was 4 pounds 15 ounces when she left the hospital. Then 5 days later at the first appointment she was 5 pounds 4 ounces, so almost back to birth weight. In the state of Oregon the average weight gain for newborns is about 3/4 of an ounce per day and in Lincoln County, with the great support programs for breast feeding, the average is about an ounce per day. Well Paytan had gained about twice the national average, so needless to say she was thriving.
Kris and I had started to write down questions to ask the doctor, as many new parents do so they don't end up calling the doctor or their answering service 15 times a day. We were going through our questions and one that we had noticed the last day in the hospital was that when Paytan was nursing which ever side she was laying on would turn bright red. I mean lobster red! And she would have a perfect line down the middle of her body. I had asked the nurse if she knew what this was all about and she had said that it was something that happened like when you lay on your arm and it turns red. I figured the nurse probably had seen this often so I didn't really think anything of it, until we got home.
The first few days at home Kris and I noticed that Paytan still had the same line and redness that she had in the hospital, although it was lighter and lighter each day. So we just thought we would ask the doctor.
Back to the appointment. Our last question for Dr. Burns was about the redness, which actually was happening while Dr. Burns was examining Paytan. He stopped, stepped back and blink his eyes, some what doing a double take. I thought "oh no, something is wrong with my baby." Then Dr. Burns came to and said "well, this little one is a harlequin." Kris and I looked at each other and back to the doctor with very puzzled looks on our faces. Dr. Burns proceeded to tell us that Paytan has a condition known as the Harlequin condition.
NOW I WANT TO WARN YOU NOT TO GOOGLE HARLEQUIN BABY BECAUSE IT IS COMPLETE DIFFERENT THAN WHAT PAYTAN HAS AND THE PICTURES OF IT ARE HORRIFIC!!!!! HARLEQUIN BABY IS A DISEASE AND PAYTAN HAS THE HARLEQUIN CONDITION, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
Basically this condition happens in babies that are premature. What happens is that their immune system is underdeveloped and when they are laying on their side their little bodies can't decide which side regulate the blood flow of, so one side gets more blood than the other. It is a perfectly normal condition and something that will go away over time. It is like when you mind is thinking about two really big tasks at the same time but you can't solve either without focusing on just one at a time, kind of like a bit of an overload. So the body focuses on just one side of the body and not the other. Then once the baby is back on it's back the body returns to normal. Dr. Burns said that he will go years between babies who have this condition, so apparently it is pretty rare, maybe why there is such little information about it online. Harlequins can either be half & half or quarters, which either way is kind of interesting. So interesting that Dr. Burns stuck his head out of the examine room and called the receptionist and two nurses into the room by shouting "Hey anyone want to see a harlequin?" I kind of felt like my daughter was a sideshow at the circus at this point but oh well. I guess it you get a chance to see something rare, I would take it.
Unfortunately by the time I started this blog, Paytan's condition has somewhat subsided so I don't have a picture of it. But Kris did some research to find out more information about this condition, which is where we found Harlequin Baby (AGAIN DO NOT GOOGLE IT!). Kris was able to find a blog that a woman had written about this condition as one of her twin children had it. IF you would like more information you can see her blog at : http://www.tclong.net/journal/?p=39.
First I need to give you some background info on our pediatrician. He is a nice man, with a bit of a southern drawl who has been in his field for 30+ years. Dr. Burns has a very dry sense of humor, which some people would not find very fitting for a pediatrician but for us he is great. Now when my family first met Dr. Burns it was the night Paytan was born and he came out to give them an update:
Dr. Burns: "Well baby's fine but we had to kick start her to get her going on her own."
Family: "How is she doing now?"
Dr. Burns: "She's doing just fine. She was sunny side up so she has a nice big bruise on her head and her nose is smooshed to one side."
Katelyn: "Will it straighten out eventually?"
Dr. Burns: "She's okay. It isn't any worse than yours."
If you know Katelyn, you can imagine her reaction to this statement, especially since it was about 2AM. So hopefully that gives you an idea about our pediatrician and his character.
Now on to the first appointment. Kris and I were excited to see how much weight Paytan has gained. It has actually turned into a little competition in the family every time Paytan has a doctors appointment. Everyone guesses how much she weighs, Price Is Right rules, closest without going over. So when Paytan was born she was 5 pounds 6 ounces. She lost a bit in the hospital and was 4 pounds 15 ounces when she left the hospital. Then 5 days later at the first appointment she was 5 pounds 4 ounces, so almost back to birth weight. In the state of Oregon the average weight gain for newborns is about 3/4 of an ounce per day and in Lincoln County, with the great support programs for breast feeding, the average is about an ounce per day. Well Paytan had gained about twice the national average, so needless to say she was thriving.
Kris and I had started to write down questions to ask the doctor, as many new parents do so they don't end up calling the doctor or their answering service 15 times a day. We were going through our questions and one that we had noticed the last day in the hospital was that when Paytan was nursing which ever side she was laying on would turn bright red. I mean lobster red! And she would have a perfect line down the middle of her body. I had asked the nurse if she knew what this was all about and she had said that it was something that happened like when you lay on your arm and it turns red. I figured the nurse probably had seen this often so I didn't really think anything of it, until we got home.
The first few days at home Kris and I noticed that Paytan still had the same line and redness that she had in the hospital, although it was lighter and lighter each day. So we just thought we would ask the doctor.
Back to the appointment. Our last question for Dr. Burns was about the redness, which actually was happening while Dr. Burns was examining Paytan. He stopped, stepped back and blink his eyes, some what doing a double take. I thought "oh no, something is wrong with my baby." Then Dr. Burns came to and said "well, this little one is a harlequin." Kris and I looked at each other and back to the doctor with very puzzled looks on our faces. Dr. Burns proceeded to tell us that Paytan has a condition known as the Harlequin condition.
NOW I WANT TO WARN YOU NOT TO GOOGLE HARLEQUIN BABY BECAUSE IT IS COMPLETE DIFFERENT THAN WHAT PAYTAN HAS AND THE PICTURES OF IT ARE HORRIFIC!!!!! HARLEQUIN BABY IS A DISEASE AND PAYTAN HAS THE HARLEQUIN CONDITION, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
Basically this condition happens in babies that are premature. What happens is that their immune system is underdeveloped and when they are laying on their side their little bodies can't decide which side regulate the blood flow of, so one side gets more blood than the other. It is a perfectly normal condition and something that will go away over time. It is like when you mind is thinking about two really big tasks at the same time but you can't solve either without focusing on just one at a time, kind of like a bit of an overload. So the body focuses on just one side of the body and not the other. Then once the baby is back on it's back the body returns to normal. Dr. Burns said that he will go years between babies who have this condition, so apparently it is pretty rare, maybe why there is such little information about it online. Harlequins can either be half & half or quarters, which either way is kind of interesting. So interesting that Dr. Burns stuck his head out of the examine room and called the receptionist and two nurses into the room by shouting "Hey anyone want to see a harlequin?" I kind of felt like my daughter was a sideshow at the circus at this point but oh well. I guess it you get a chance to see something rare, I would take it.
Unfortunately by the time I started this blog, Paytan's condition has somewhat subsided so I don't have a picture of it. But Kris did some research to find out more information about this condition, which is where we found Harlequin Baby (AGAIN DO NOT GOOGLE IT!). Kris was able to find a blog that a woman had written about this condition as one of her twin children had it. IF you would like more information you can see her blog at : http://www.tclong.net/journal/?p=39.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Splish Splash!
If you have ever given a puppy a bath, you know how taxing and difficult this can be to accomplish. Puppies wiggle, squirm, try to climb out of the tub, sink or other facility you are bathing them in, not to mention trying to get shampoo on them, thoroughly clean them and get them rinsed. It just makes me tired just thinking about doing that. Well take away all of the fur on the puppy and the slipperyness (if that's a word) factor multiplies ten fold, that is what it is like giving a baby, especially a newborn baby, a bath.
Here is Paytan's first bath, well not her first bath because that was given to her in the hospital (by a nurse that we refer to as either Quasi Moto or Frumpy Pigskin, a long story but she wasn't very nice to anyone) but I wasn't present for that bath as I was in surgery, so this is my first time giving Paytan a bath. Thanks to my parents for getting us a Flip video camera for our anniversary this year. This is how we are able to bring you this video and the many more to come as we reach those milestones during the first year of life with Paytan (and beyond because honestly do you think I am going to stop capturing my child on film once she turns 1? I think not.) Also thanks to my mom for all of the help in bringing Paytan home and guiding my through the process of bathing a newborn, which is a bit more to think about than with a puppy.
Here is Paytan's first bath, well not her first bath because that was given to her in the hospital (by a nurse that we refer to as either Quasi Moto or Frumpy Pigskin, a long story but she wasn't very nice to anyone) but I wasn't present for that bath as I was in surgery, so this is my first time giving Paytan a bath. Thanks to my parents for getting us a Flip video camera for our anniversary this year. This is how we are able to bring you this video and the many more to come as we reach those milestones during the first year of life with Paytan (and beyond because honestly do you think I am going to stop capturing my child on film once she turns 1? I think not.) Also thanks to my mom for all of the help in bringing Paytan home and guiding my through the process of bathing a newborn, which is a bit more to think about than with a puppy.
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