Bitter Sweet

So yes, I know, I haven't posted in quite some time, potentially months, maybe even longer.  No excuses, just haven't, though I have had a lot going on and have been thinking about even more with all of the changes that have occurred in the past year.

The first time that you experience anything it has the potential to be exhilarating and educational as well as intimidating and life changing.  Some of the best "firsts" that I have had in my life have happened in the past three years with the births of both of our daughters, Paytan (3 in August) and Elliet (1 just recently in June).  Watching the first rolling over, the first belly laugh, the first crawl, the first walk, the first words, all of those things have brought an immense amount of joy to my life and make every thing around me at the time, even if it seems terrible, it makes those other things seem to fade into the background while witnessing these precious moments.

Having some time to reflect on the "firsts" most recently as Elliet has just turned 1, forced me to reevaluate things in my life, to really take a step back and assess where we have come from in the past year and where we are heading.  One of the biggest questions that I have been asked a lot recently is "are you going to have anymore kids?"  Now, for those of you who have asked, don't feel bad because believe me, this is a question that I ask myself each and every single day.  I have been tempted to tweet an informal pole to all of my socially networked friends asking how they made the decision to go from man-to-ma defense to a zone defense.

I have no answer to that question and that is usually my response, "I don't know."

Currently my family and I are struggling a bit with, let's just call it "life" as most people do from time to time.  The summer is here and I'm really wanting to spend time with my family, taking advantage on online teaching and the time off for "summer break" yet knowing that my husband will not have a job come September, so the rational/logical/panic stricken side of my brain is in GO mode trying to teach as much as I can and scrimp and save our pennies for that proverbial rainy day.

With this notion of not knowing what will happen in the future, again referring to the rational/logical side of my brain, I personally don't feel it would not be the responsible or fair thing to bring another child into this world and not be able to care for it financially.  I know that there can be more than two years between children and that we have help from friends and family yet I just don't think that is fair to the children you have, the child you bring into the world and your relationship with your spouse to bring a child into the world that you are not able to support in one way or another.  Whether people agree with me or not, everyone is entitled to their opinion.  I'm not here to preach, tell people what to do, or have anyone feel sorry for my.  I guess this is simply a vent and cathartic episode.

Turning back to the conversation I begin with focusing on "firsts" and tying it to the notion of not having another child it has recently hit me that this very well may be the last time that I have a "baby" to snuggle, swaddle, cuddle, fuss over and nurse.  Miss Elliet has taken it upon herself, that at the right old age of one year, she has pretty much turned up her nose at the lunch wagon that is ol' mom and decided that finger foods are the way to go.  With that said and probably needless to say, my supply has dropped, significantly. Which in turn has caused stress which creates a vicious cycle of an even lower supply and so on and so forth.

I guess what this all amounts to is that when I was nearing the end of nursing Paytan I knew in the back of my mind that we would have another baby and I would get that most wonderful and special time to spend with my next child that comes with the decision to breastfeed.  However, with Elliet, I'm not so sure and this uncertainty of more than likely not having anymore children is something that I am really struggling with in my life.  Paytan is at the age where she is extremely active and wants to play games and engage in activities, which is great and seems to create a really great bond between Kris and Paytan, not to mention Paytan and myself.  Yet I am so ever desperately clinging on to the connection that I have with Elliet because while I am more than over the moon with all of her firsts, as any parent would be, I am heartbroken that this could be and more than likely is my last.