Thursday, November 21, 2013

Second guessing . . .

I feel like I start so many entries on this blog with the same "it's been a while since I've posted anything," so to keep it consistent, yeah it's been a while.  I have been thinking about a lot of things for quite some time now, some I have verbalized and others I have not but it has gotten to the point where I need to just get the information out of my head and a journal doesn't seem to be the correct venue, so here goes nothing.

I want to preface this entire post with the understanding that this is really just for me and I'm not looking for answers, suggestions, sympathy, empathy, reassurance, a slap in the face, nothing.  I just can't put up the front that things are ok any longer because it has became a real facade, one that has become to heavy to keep up anymore.

I, at almost 32 years of age, have no reached a point where I don't know anything anymore.  What I mean by this is that everything, and yes I mean everything, in my life that is on any level of importance I am seriously second guessing.  My ability, my effectiveness, my purpose, my goal in attempting/pursuing anything anymore is being challenged, on a daily even hourly basis.  Now I understand that many of these feelings stem from the complete unrealistic expectations I set for my self in being all things to all people.  Yet at some point I thought I could actually be that.  More specifics would probably clarify this rambling just a bit.

Parenting: I had always pictured that I would be that mom who could balance, work, family, self, marriage, housework, bills, groceries, diapers, bad dreams, dancing, laundry, exercise, love, health, frustration, and well life effectively and still maintain an ounce of sanity.  Honestly I have a mother and a grandmother who in my eyes were just that, wonderwomen, who could do anything, be anything to their fullest extent.  I wanted so badly to be just like them and be able to take on life with a husband and children, and a house and a more than full time job with the greatest of ease and still have time more me.  What I am finding is that there was more going on in their lives than I knew, what life was really like when you try to take on all of those things in the world.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that their lives were all a sham or were smoke and mirrors because I can only imagine the things that they didn't show the world, much similar to what I have been secluding away for some time.  I dreamed of being that mom that gave her kids the best food, taught them all them needed to know before the age of five and then some, keep up with their mountain of laundry, play with them, laugh with them, be with them.  What I'm finding is that my kids actually spend more time with daycare providers and babysitters because I'm teaching or cleaning or engaging in some other activity "for them."  I hope one day that they will know what it is that I do for them and that I do the things I do because I love them and want what is best for them.  At times that means yes to keep my sanity, we will watch Tangled for the 5th time that day, and yes you can have nothing but string cheese, goldfish, and grapes for two weeks straight.  Even though I tell Pay and Bug "just a sec" more often than I should, I really want them to know that I love them more than anything in the world.  Maybe one day I will actually send them the link to this page.

Marriage:  Very few people know this but I want to tell everyone that I feel like I have really failed at this.  I have a wonderful husband who treats me like a queen and would do anything for me, without hesitation or question.  Over the last three years Kris and I have had a rough go, to the point of leaving, not speaking, crying, talking, not talking, and then some.  I know that relationships take work.  Ironically I taught about relationships tonight in class and every time I lecture about interpersonal communication, I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach and a voice in my head that says "damn Erin, you are such a hypocrit!  You tell students to do all of these things in their relationsihps and to think about all of this stuff but you can't even take two seconds to listen to how your husbands day at work was or think about his feelings."  I really feel like the old saying "those who can do, those who can't teach" is appropriate as I love teaching interpersonal but for the life of me I just can't figure out my own interpersonal relationships.  All I want to say is that I know I have really sucked at being a wife Kris, and I'm truly sorry for that.  I'm not sure if I'm ever going to be able to show him what he means and I really hope that I haven't taken advantage of the great relationship that I currently have.

Work: I'm teaching 9 classes this term, 8 face-to-face and one online which equates out to 27 college credits.  Yes I know this is crazy, yes I know that this is a lot of work.  Yes I could have said no to any number of these at any time.  I have managed somehow to get through 8 weeks of this and I will get through three more and finish out this term.  However, I have tried something new where I have my students submit all work online, you know I'm in Oregon and everyone is "green" so when in Rome, do as.  I can't being to tell you how many technical issues I have had this term and I feel like I will never be caught up with all of my grading.  I also feel that with everything that I am doing that I am not able to put as much into each class and I normally do, which I really hope doesn't translate out into my students not getting as much as they should.  Every time I get an email from a student about a grade or something related I think "oh shit, what did I NOT do this time?"  I know I suck at math, in fact I am putting this in my syllabi so that they know this from day one.  But beyond calculations I have lost more assignments, misplaced tests, filed things incorrectly this term than I ever have before. I've had office mates comment "that's not like you" and I'm like "I know."  The fact that it's happening scares the hell out of me.  I know that I'm probably spread thinner that I should be, I also know that I'm not going to do this forever (27 credits/term) and I also know that people wouldn't ask me to do this if they didn't think I could do it but I still question me as a teacher each and every day.

Erin: Let's just say running has ceased.  I'm signed up to run a 10K Thanksgiving morning and my goal is to run the whole thing but I haven't run in about three weeks.  I guess my cousin who was in Stockholm with some friends when he was in the Navy and accidentally ended up running the Stockholm marathon the morning after a night of heavy drinking or a friend of my who signed up for a half marathon without training could be inspiration as to being able to run after no planning it.  I love running and the fact that I can turn my brain off while I do it which may be why I'm needing to write all of this down.  I've gained back 20 of the 30 pounds I've lost over the last 8 months.  I'm attempting to stick to an eating plan, really making lifestyle changes and really eat better but I will be honest that when I'm stressed I want three things: chocolate, grease and a nap.  I will admit that I actually ate at Burger King 3 times in a 24 hour period, FTW!  I felt so great this past spring after I had lost some weight, was running a lot and eating really well.  I know I can, or should I say I will get back to that at some day.

I'm tired.  I'm angry or sad a lot of the time.  I love my kids and my husband but know that I treat them like shit some times because of all the other "stuff" that is going on.  The deserve so much better than this.  The front that has been up for so long, is now officially down.  Well it will be once I actually post this.  I am working on my "life" as it were.  I know that there are a lot of people out there who have it a lot worse than I do.  Which is why I prefaced this with not really looking for anything from people by posting this.  Really just wanting to get the information out there that even those people who "seem" to have it all together, those who "seem" to be able to handle it, have their weak moments.  Right now, I feel like the weakest link. 

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